Listen up... you don't need Toilet Paper in your life! Please take it from me, and Betty, my wife This Corona-virus they say, it's creeping up quickly "Buy toilet rolls NOW, for when you get sickly!" The squabbling in shops; aren't people just AWFUL? Well, we got through The War, it made us resourceful So here's a few tips, you might put into practice For bathroom ablutions, while the Kleenex is cactus. The go-to solution? Simply shred up The Times! Too bad that it's raspy (and it might leave print lines) But it's worth it for smugness, when wiping the face Of a fool politician, with dumb policies in place. Another good ploy, for loo-roll relief Is to extract from your fig tree, a large singular leaf Totally natural, so there's no need to be frowny Just make sure it's utilised, bristle-side downy. An old shirt can be handy, as you perch there alone When you find yourself paperless, sat on the throne Or a dried-up old corn-cob, on the end of a twig You can double it up, for the jobs that are BIG. But a slice of Bet's fruit loaf, is solid and thick And for ultimate absorption, it does do the trick Chock full of nuts, it's the thickest of ply Hey, you wouldn't want THAT, caught in your eye. Oh, our lives are a shambles, there's an odd-smelling stench We'd rather hold off; we're starting to CLENCH Like the loss of a pet, we mourn beloved bathroom tissue Come back soon, Toilet Paper... DEAR GOD, HOW WE MISS YOU!
-by Barry P. Knightly, age 94yrs